The Dominican Republic: An ill-informed traveler's guide
Welcome to the Dominican Republic. The first thing you will notice: everyone that is a native of the Dominican Republic is exactly 3 feet 9 inches tall. Short, yes, but very good at reaching objects behind a sofa. The second thing you will notice is that there are not very many sofas.
The reason the native Dominicans are so short has not yet been discovered, but a long time theory persists suggesting it's because they lived in cupboards for many many years. That is why you will sometimes hear them referred to as the Cupboard People, or sometimes just Cupboards (as in, I went fishing and both the guides were Cupboards), or simply, Cupeeps. Do not think you can just put a Cupeep in your pocket and take them along with you on your return trip. You can't. See, they are people, too. Where you do think the word "people" comes from in "the Cupboard People".
The third thing you will notice in the Dominican Republic is that so many of the town squares are paved with gold. Feel free to chip away and take some of the gold. There's so much of it here. In fact, for a long time people used to melt it down and pour it over their pancakes. Also, their pancakes were made of solid gold.
Looking for something to see that's a little off the beaten path? Try heading south to Hump Back Whale village. Here, you'll find humpback whales that have learned to adapt to life on land and have created an entire village of their own. And the population is growing! In 1980 only 25 whales lived in Humpback Whale Village but in 2008 they were over 3,200 of them. Later this fall, they'll have opened an Applebees and a Walmart. Good for you, whales. As a human, there's nothing I like seeing more in a whale than that "nothing can stop us" attitude. This may be a little off the subject, but so many whales that get beached just sit there and complain and say, "Oh, poor me. I can't breathe very well. I'm so sad. I'll just lay here and get fat and bloated. Isn't there a government agency that can fix my problems? Breathing becoming more difficult. Skin, chaffing." Oh, please.
Next up on your list of must see destinations is the world's largest muffin. I feel like I should tell you, it's big, but it's not that big. You would think that the world's largest muffin would be, say, the size of a Mazda or something, but really it's not much bigger than two regular sized muffins. You might be asking yourself, if this muffin isn't all that big, why should I want to see it? Good question. It's because it's sitting on top of the world's largest fake muffin, and that thing is huge.
There's so many more things to tell you about that we can't possibly fit in this brochure or continue to make up on the spot. Thank you for visiting the Dominican Republic. Oh, and one last thing. You're welcome to drink freely from the tap!
Justin
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